How to Live with Your Body on Life’s Terms
I finally reached a decision that I’ve been avoiding for many years.
Since I was nineteen years old, I’ve had a history of ovarian cysts. I’ve held on to the hope that they would somehow resolve on their own but that hasn’t happened. After a biopsy in September, my doctor suggested that it’s time to be more proactive and have a hysterectomy.
At first, this was hard for me to hear. I felt very hopeless, as if my body was somehow betraying me. Many years ago, my first baby was stillborn and I’ve often wondered if my chronic condition has been a result of holding negative energy from that loss. I have done so much grief work, yet sometimes it’s deeper than I realize.
I knew I needed to use breathwork to meet my body and speak to my uterus. First, I shed a lot of tears. Then words began coming up: manipulated, used, sad, frustrated. I had no idea where these thoughts and feelings were coming from but I surrendered to this old, heavy energy and eventually felt it shift to a profound sense of love and forgiveness.
I was able to take an inventory of my relationship with my body and my uterus. Yes, I have carried the trauma of losing a baby. But I have also delivered a beautiful, healthy daughter. Both experiences are part of my feminine energy and I will continue to own this feminine energy, even without my uterus.
It was as if I heard a clear voice ask: Why hang on to the pain? I realized that it is okay to let go of suffering and acknowledge that my body has been doing the best it can.
For me, it has been a practice of meeting my body on life’s terms.
Mother Nature is the ultimate teacher for this. I think about the wildfires that continue to sweep through the west coast, ravaging millions of acres and destroying homes and wildlife. Even the majestic Redwoods and Condors have not been spared. Big Basin State Park, the oldest state park in California, has suffered significant fire damage.
And of course, life has handed us other challenges as well, like COVID, isolation, division, and economic uncertainty.
All of this is sad and frustrating to watch, but maybe it is a process that needs to happen to allow something new.
In the same way, maybe it is time for me to accept having a hysterectomy and find out what new energy is waiting for me.
If you are struggling to meet your body on life’s terms, I suggest practicing these steps:
Pause.
Connect with your breath.
Feel your feelings fully, without judgment.
Notice where you feel restriction in your body and allow it.
Once your emotions settle, be receptive to transformation. Open yourself to what is.
Act rather than react.
It is only when we’re present to what is that we’re able to transform old negative energy into something higher and lighter.
Now, as I prepare for surgery with acupuncture sessions, I’m feeling more open to an event that I once feared and dreaded. I’m optimistic about living pain-free.
I’m ready to trust that life always brings me exactly what I need.
Poem to My Uterus
You uterus
You have been patient
As a sock
While I have slippered into you
My dead and living children
Now
They want to cut you out
Stocking I will not need
Where I am going
Where I am going
Old girl
Without you
Uterus
My bloody print
My estrogen kitchen
My black bag of desire
Where can I go
Barefoot
Without you
Where can you go
Without me
--Lucille Clifton